More recently I have begun to realize that relationships can bring with them a sense of disappointment in various forms and in all these diverse avatars that these disappointments can assume, they can leave us quite baffled and unsure of what the future holds for us. It is not just about the big things in life which become a source of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, it is in fact more about the smaller things which keep the counter running. One thing happens which gets followed by another and then another and unknowingly the mind keeps forming these interpretations about the disconnect which is beginning to plague the relationship one has with one's partner.
Why It Happens
The problem, I feel, is more about the expectations that we begin to have from each other. And the fact is that a lot of these expectations become progressively less spoken about, acting as unsaid dictums that dominate our interactions. As more time passes in a relationship, one presumes and believes that the other would and should know what we want, think, desire and feel. And so unknowingly we end up hiding more and more of our thoughts and feelings, unintentionally putting up these invisible walls which keep on making things less apparent, becoming more unapproachable to each other.
Communication, and the lack of it thereof, thus becomes the foundation for the disappointments that we face, in particular because misunderstandings, misperceptions and misconceptions begin to rein over. As numerous things remain unsaid, we form our own interpretations which can be far removed from the truth of what was intended. Expectations keep piling and remain largely unfulfilled, which gets magnified by the knowledge of what was there earlier in the relationship, and that which appears to be amiss now.
While at the same time, at the other end of the spectrum we frequently find that despite how much one may try to express and communicate, verbalizations can remain largely ignored, which happens due to multiple reasons. It could be that goals and aspirations are so divergent that they do not leave much of a common ground, or that one is not able to connect at any level which could help initiate and maintain interactions. When people start wanting different things in life, they move in divergent directions in a way that their paths don't appear to intersect at any point, making the distance appear far greater, removing the motivation to try and make things different so they somehow work.
But should this mean that we give up? Because if it does then all we would have left with us is a string of broken relationships, significant disappointments and a stark inability to trust people or a desire to be with them. So, that obviously is not an option for after all, we are all social beings and need people in our lives and we have a strong need for relatedness, for affiliation and to be loved and cared for.
What Can We Do
Ensuring that one is able to overcome the disappointments, particularly those that happen on a regular basis is of paramount importance. The key to doing so is to be able to remind yourself of the reason why you first and foremost are a part of this relationship. There was a reason why you decided to be with your partner, even if that reason was your family or a small thing that seemed important then, and it is not that that reason has seized to exist. The reason may have undergone some changes and modifications, but it still persists and being consciously aware of it is a necessity.
All relationships do bring with them challenges and getting bogged down by the smaller things is not an option. Instead this would be the time to buckle up and become strong internally, to face the problems head on and tackle them. And integral to this is remembering that we could be misinterpreting things or sometimes even exaggerating them in our minds, and we may in the process forget to give our partners the same chances that we would give any other individual. We make the cardinal mistake of expecting them to be super humans at some levels, not needing second chances in life, which is not the reality of things.
We need to be able to start ignoring some of these smaller things that come along our way and recognize that it is the bigger things that are of greater value and so long as we are all working towards the same end, things would be fine eventually. And if it is so that the ends are divergent, then we would need to sit down together and try to find a middle path, one that takes us in a mutually agreeable direction and helps give a sense of satisfaction.
So to sum it up, disappointments are going to come along our way and there is no way that we can run away from them. But being weary of the reasons that can cause them and ensuring that we do our bit in taking care of them is what is really needed.
Why It Happens
The problem, I feel, is more about the expectations that we begin to have from each other. And the fact is that a lot of these expectations become progressively less spoken about, acting as unsaid dictums that dominate our interactions. As more time passes in a relationship, one presumes and believes that the other would and should know what we want, think, desire and feel. And so unknowingly we end up hiding more and more of our thoughts and feelings, unintentionally putting up these invisible walls which keep on making things less apparent, becoming more unapproachable to each other.
Communication, and the lack of it thereof, thus becomes the foundation for the disappointments that we face, in particular because misunderstandings, misperceptions and misconceptions begin to rein over. As numerous things remain unsaid, we form our own interpretations which can be far removed from the truth of what was intended. Expectations keep piling and remain largely unfulfilled, which gets magnified by the knowledge of what was there earlier in the relationship, and that which appears to be amiss now.
While at the same time, at the other end of the spectrum we frequently find that despite how much one may try to express and communicate, verbalizations can remain largely ignored, which happens due to multiple reasons. It could be that goals and aspirations are so divergent that they do not leave much of a common ground, or that one is not able to connect at any level which could help initiate and maintain interactions. When people start wanting different things in life, they move in divergent directions in a way that their paths don't appear to intersect at any point, making the distance appear far greater, removing the motivation to try and make things different so they somehow work.
But should this mean that we give up? Because if it does then all we would have left with us is a string of broken relationships, significant disappointments and a stark inability to trust people or a desire to be with them. So, that obviously is not an option for after all, we are all social beings and need people in our lives and we have a strong need for relatedness, for affiliation and to be loved and cared for.
What Can We Do
Ensuring that one is able to overcome the disappointments, particularly those that happen on a regular basis is of paramount importance. The key to doing so is to be able to remind yourself of the reason why you first and foremost are a part of this relationship. There was a reason why you decided to be with your partner, even if that reason was your family or a small thing that seemed important then, and it is not that that reason has seized to exist. The reason may have undergone some changes and modifications, but it still persists and being consciously aware of it is a necessity.
All relationships do bring with them challenges and getting bogged down by the smaller things is not an option. Instead this would be the time to buckle up and become strong internally, to face the problems head on and tackle them. And integral to this is remembering that we could be misinterpreting things or sometimes even exaggerating them in our minds, and we may in the process forget to give our partners the same chances that we would give any other individual. We make the cardinal mistake of expecting them to be super humans at some levels, not needing second chances in life, which is not the reality of things.
We need to be able to start ignoring some of these smaller things that come along our way and recognize that it is the bigger things that are of greater value and so long as we are all working towards the same end, things would be fine eventually. And if it is so that the ends are divergent, then we would need to sit down together and try to find a middle path, one that takes us in a mutually agreeable direction and helps give a sense of satisfaction.
So to sum it up, disappointments are going to come along our way and there is no way that we can run away from them. But being weary of the reasons that can cause them and ensuring that we do our bit in taking care of them is what is really needed.
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